I miss...

There are days when seeing a picture or video of him makes me smile for the memories and then some when I can't stop missing him.  

One of our last family outings with friends, Snoqualmie Falls, July 2016

I miss his smile, the huge smile of mischief that always crossed his face when he was being silly and his eyes would light up...I even miss the half-smiles, when I knew he was in pain, but glad to be with us.

I miss his hugs, the ones that completely enveloped me in his big and tall frame, made me feel safe and loved.

I miss his laughter, the high pitched laughter that would pierce my eardrums when something really tickled his funny bone.  He laughed a lot.

I don't want to forget anything.

I miss his musical talents, the guitar licks and piano chords whenever he had a moment to sit with an instrument.

I miss traveling with him and seeing new things, the road trips and sleeping in a tent on a few occasions.  We discovered things together.  I even miss the annoying things about the way he did things.  I see the wisdom in many of his ways now.

I don't ever want to forget.

No one understands the depth I miss him.  I can't even come close to being able to describe how much.  They have their lovers, their partners, their confidants.  Mine is gone forever.  The pillow talk, being comfortable enough to wrap my arms around him any time I wanted, knowing every part of him, those are all things that were built over many years of marriage.  I cannot move on, because it is without my partner, my true companion.  I have no choice but to live and do what I can to survive, but it is painful and lonely without him.  If I talk about missing Garrett with most people, they remain quiet...maybe that is what makes them comfortable or they fear saying something to upset me.  I want to talk about him, to remember him, and to feel like he is missed by more than just myself.  I feel closer to him when I talk about him and other people talk about him, but that doesn't happen often.  Somedays I feel like I'm going crazy with grief and loneliness.  So when I walk, I walk alone.  When I cry, I cry alone.  When I mourn, I mourn alone.  And when I miss, I miss alone.  I would give everything for one of his hugs.